I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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