Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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