did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
