Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
