I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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