We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
