my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
