Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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