BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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