You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
smell my finger.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
