My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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