Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize