I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
