dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
