I hate all girls vehemently.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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