He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
