Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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