cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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