You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
