I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
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