The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
