Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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