OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
