I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So much Jack, so little girl.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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