everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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