I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
