I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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