did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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