I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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