i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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