you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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