youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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