after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What drink are we having for lunch?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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