My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
