just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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