I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
