I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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