those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
