Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I said "one day" and that day is not today
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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