plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
