I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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