He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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