i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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