Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
