can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
