I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
