Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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