physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
