So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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