I queefed so loud it echoed.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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