You made me cry and you don't even care
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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