i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
