you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
