NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
