Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i love accidental penises.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my being single is dangerous.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.