So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
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he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar