New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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