Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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