Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
