tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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